Only two weeks remain.  And two more divisional match-ups.  Mad Dogs, Blitz-Craig, and the Hamburg Hooligans are in.  Hair Bear, nWo and T**m H**s are eliminated.  Everyone else still has at least a slim chance at one of the wild card slots.  Eight teams sit between 5–7 and 6–6. The playoff bubble is more bloated than Andy Reid after a bye-week BBQ.

Mad Dogs (8-4) vs. Nigerian Yaks (5-7)

The Yaks enter Week 13 needing:

• A win
• Help
• Divine intervention
• Maybe a glitch in the scoring system

Instead they got a 70–4 deficit.  Mad Dogs are already chewing up the Yaks.  Kyren is the only hope, and even he can’t drop 70.

Prediction: Mad Dogs win by 25 and push for the bye.

Shock Value (6-6) vs. Bolsheviks (6-6)

Shock’s early lead was cute, but the Bolsheviks’ ceiling is enormous — Caleb + Etienne + Bijan could erase 40 points in one quarter and already has. Shock Value, you’re flickering — better surge before the lights go out. Bolsheviks, if you lose, Lenin cries.

Prediction: Bolsheviks edge it by 3 in a nail-biter.

nWo (4-8) vs. LiQ-ourballs (5-7)

nWo has now spent two straight weeks pretending they’re a competent football team. LiQ has spent two straight weeks pretending Josh Allen can bail out a roster with Michael Wilson in the WR2 slot. nWo, enjoy this rare lead — it probably won’t last long.

Prediction: Josh Allen can't save a roster held together with duct tape and anxiety. nWo wins by 12 and eliminates Liq

Turbo (6-6) vs. T**m H**s (4-8)

Turbo has Lamar.  T**m H**s has Jacoby Brissett.  Maybe they’d both rather have Aaron Brooks?  Nice work by Turbo starting Lamar and his .62 points and leaving Burrow and has 20.02 points and Lawrence and his 18.84 as I write this (projected for 38.7) on the bench.  Good call out.  And good thing you are playing a team who could start their entire roster and still not crack 100.

Prediction: Turbo wins by 15 and stays alive in the playoff hunt.

Balls of Hate (5-7) vs. HAIRBEAR (4-8)

Balls of Hate need a win AND help. Hate, you’re supposed to be angry — but that anger should be directed at your own team with Mahomes 34.22 on your bench and Amon-Ra getting hurt while contributing 0 points.

Prediction: HAIRBEAR squeaks out a 2-point win and eliminates Balls of Hate.  Ruxpins would have asked for a re-do because the St. Brown injury.

Teddy Ruxpins (5-7) vs. Team Blitz-Craig (9-3)

Speaking of the Ruxpins, they are hanging on by a thread and this might be a down week for Blitz-Craig. Which Daniel Jones shows up this week?  That might be the difference in the game, although everyone knows I hope it comes down to a Harbaugh win vs a Campbell loss.

Prediction: Ruxpins win by 5.

My Ball Zach Ertz (6-6) vs. nWo Wulfpack (6-6)

What a match-up.  These teams are tied atop the HH East.  If My Ball Zach Ertz wins, they clinch the division.  If Wulfpack wins, they’ll still need help next week.  It’s hard to beat a team that gets 24+ points from their kicker.  Ask Balls of Hate’s championship team.   McCaffrey will need to score 40 for Wulfpack to have a chance.

Prediction: Zach Ertz wins by 10 to become Beasts of the East.

Hamburg Hooligans (9-3) vs. Trash Pandas (8-4)

Another meaty match-up with similar implications as the previous one.  If the Hooligans win, they clinch the West.  If Trash Pandas win, they control their destiny, but the Hooligans will still be alive.  Hamburg has been the best team in the league for most of the year — the scoring leader and the most consistent.  Trash Pandas have relied on vibes, Puka magic, and randomly productive RBs.

Prediction: Hooligans win by 18 and stay atop the West and clinch the #1 seed.  And depending on how some of the other games fall, Trash might be fighting for their playoff lives next week.