I'm short on time this week and barely any of you read this anyway.

Turbo (2-0) vs nWo (0-2)

Turbo already spotted nWo nearly 20 points before breakfast, which is generous considering nWo’s roster has been performing like a group of interns trying to run a Fortune 500 company. Josh Allen might as well show up wearing a ski mask because what he’s about to do to nWo should be illegal. nWo’s best hope is that Turbo’s Wiâ'Fi goes out, his phone dies, and he forgets to set a lineup — and even then, Turbo probably still wins by double digits.

Balls of Hate (2-0) vs Hamburg Hooligans (1-1)

Balls of Hate came into Week 3 thinking they were hot stuff… until Hooligans punched them in the mouth with an 18â'point head start. But it won’t matter.  The Hooligans are “just win baby” lately, but this week they’re “just try not to embarrass yourself.” If Hamburg wants a chance, they better pray for divine intervention — because Balls of Hate is about to turn them into a bratwurst.

Bolsheviks (2-0) vs Team Blitz-Craig (1-1)

The Bolsheviks are undefeated, but let’s be honest: they’ve been stumbling into wins like a drunk guy trying to find his Uber. Blitz-Craig, meanwhile, is the fantasy equivalent of a slot machine — sometimes you hit, sometimes you lose your shirt. This one’s simple: if Blitz-Craig’s roster shows up, they win. If not, the Bolsheviks will accidentally fall into 3â'0.

Shock Value (1-1) vs nWo Wulfpack (1-1)

Wulfpack already dropped a 30-burger, and Shock Value is sitting there like, “We’re supposed to keep up with THAT?” JSN and Jeanty will try to drag Shock Value to respectability, but Wulfpack is out here playing like they’re mad at the world, which they should be after their pathetic loss to the Yaks last week. Unless Shock Value finds points in the couch cushions, Wulfpack is about to shock them straight back to under .500, as they usually are.

HAIRBEAR (1-1) vs Teddy Ruxpins (1-1)

Hairbear gets a bit lucky this week — Teddy Ruxpins is the fantasy equivalent of a Build-A-Bear workshop explosion. If Hairbear can’t beat the Ruxpins, we might need to check if his roster is being secretly managed by T**m H**s. Expect Hairbear to prevail and Ruxpins to go back to trying to being a children’s toy that nobody wanted.

LiQ-ourballs (1-1) vs My Ball Zach Ertz (0-2)

LiQ-ourballs comes into this one already holding a 3.59–0.00 lead thanks to MarShawn Lloyd’s “I swear I’m trying” performance. MBZE, meanwhile, is sitting at a clean zero — which is exactly the number of wins they’ve earned this season.  Both teams project in the midâ'80s, but let’s be honest: projections are just polite lies for people who don’t want to admit their roster is cooked.  Both of these teams deserve to lose, but only MBZE will.

Mad Dogs (0-2) vs Trash Pandas (1-1)

Mad Dogs came into Week 3 swinging with 36 points, which is adorable because Trash Pandas still isn’t scared. The Pandas are like raccoons — they thrive in chaos, eat garbage, and somehow win games they shouldn’t. But they won’t this week.  This game is already over.  We could let Pandas start all 4 of the RBs on their roster and they won’t score as much combined as Bijan already has.

T**m H**s (0-2) vs Nigerian Yaks (2-0)

T**m H**s is 0-2 and trending toward “should we schedule a wellness check?” territory. Two of their three real players are hurt, the third is turning into Mac Jones, and the rest of the roster looks like it was drafted by someone using a flip phone. Yet somehow, they are still going to beat the Yaks.  This game has dinner on the line and T**m H**s never misses out on a free meal.